Starting to Feel like me again...

Strong. fearless, brave. Will try anything once and maybe twice.. Always making people smile. Seeing the positive in the negative. That was me...
 I have found myself weak, scared and to afraid to try to do things for fear of the risk. I would hold my head up in shame and not care about anything but making sure what I did I did right the first time. What have I done to myself? I wake up every morning getting lost in changing diapers and sweeping cheerios up off the floor. Making sure lunch is done by a certin time and the kids are asleep every day at the same time so the children can have a pattern, structure stability. Getting the big kids off the bus and getting lost in 3rd grade home work and making sure my 5 year old is coloring in the lines... These things help me hide my pain and sadness I keep busy to advoid the truth. Im falling apart. I love life. My kids I would do anything for them and cant live without them. These things get me thru another day. Now if only being a mom was a paid job. Im not talking child support "paid" im talking 24hrs on the clock. But I do get paid...with I love yous and knowing my kids have mommy at 1am when they wake up sick or being proud my kids are not sent home for school for being bullies. But they are bright caring students and the teachers pets. I know Im a great mom. I dont think I could do anything better. Maybe feel more confident about myself? I want them to see things in the world differently like I do, but knowing the rights from wrongs too. We can only hope for the best for them. Meanwhile....I forget who I am. I stop being positive my insides turn grey and I see in black and white.

I am finding myself again. A little lost inbetween the line but I  know why I feel the way I do. Im unhappy. Not in love! Nothing inspiring me to grow inside. No sun shining down on me and the only raindrops I get are the tears . I want to feel love but Im not looking for it. I have the love of my kids that keeps the seed planted but I dont wanna dry out and not be able to bloom. I have been told im a amazing woman I dont feel amazing I dont see amazing I just see the woman I use to be and the one I inspire to be....Amazing is close!