Welcome home Ian 11 days old Feb2010
Brianna and Ashlynne dressed up for the Justin Bieber red carpet event
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Starting to Feel like me again...
I have found myself weak, scared and to afraid to try to do things for fear of the risk. I would hold my head up in shame and not care about anything but making sure what I did I did right the first time. What have I done to myself? I wake up every morning getting lost in changing diapers and sweeping cheerios up off the floor. Making sure lunch is done by a certin time and the kids are asleep every day at the same time so the children can have a pattern, structure stability. Getting the big kids off the bus and getting lost in 3rd grade home work and making sure my 5 year old is coloring in the lines... These things help me hide my pain and sadness I keep busy to advoid the truth. Im falling apart. I love life. My kids I would do anything for them and cant live without them. These things get me thru another day. Now if only being a mom was a paid job. Im not talking child support "paid" im talking 24hrs on the clock. But I do get paid...with I love yous and knowing my kids have mommy at 1am when they wake up sick or being proud my kids are not sent home for school for being bullies. But they are bright caring students and the teachers pets. I know Im a great mom. I dont think I could do anything better. Maybe feel more confident about myself? I want them to see things in the world differently like I do, but knowing the rights from wrongs too. We can only hope for the best for them. Meanwhile....I forget who I am. I stop being positive my insides turn grey and I see in black and white.
I am finding myself again. A little lost inbetween the line but I know why I feel the way I do. Im unhappy. Not in love! Nothing inspiring me to grow inside. No sun shining down on me and the only raindrops I get are the tears . I want to feel love but Im not looking for it. I have the love of my kids that keeps the seed planted but I dont wanna dry out and not be able to bloom. I have been told im a amazing woman I dont feel amazing I dont see amazing I just see the woman I use to be and the one I inspire to be....Amazing is close!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Weakness
Weakness...
I tend to see into things differently then normal. I see the good in people and normally I hope it out weights the bad. I keep finding myself lost... I give and give and all im given back is empty promises and sadness. I have been in a few realtionship that ended pretty ugly. I dont know why I didnt learn the first time. I keep getting stuck in those kind of webs. I see the good....I just have trouble find my way out after its "spun".
I dont want to go into detail about my past relationship or my current but I can say you might get the point.
Love. Whats love? I dont think I have known love as deep as I should, but I know what love isnt. I do know a mothers love. a childs love.A daughters love. A sisters love and a friends love.
I try doing right by the people. Whos going to do right by me? I do right by my friends. Im a good secret keeper. A good Friend, good listener and I give great advice that of which I do not use myself. Very common I sopose. Im me. I know Im a good mother. I do right by my children. Yes every now and then my fuse is short but I never do anything I would regret later. I feel like i help everyone in the simplest task so when someone is in need from needing an emergency babysitter standing in for a husband because hes deployed to be by his wife while shes in labor. jumping someones car cause the battery died or allowing somone to borrow a cup of milk. I get blasted by my other friends for giving into people. Im to nice. I ended up getting hurt. Sometimes I feel like people are who they are around me cause they need something yet I help them anyways knowing the truth.....weakness...
Falling .... Have you met someone who simply amazes you. They sweep you off your feet and all it was is a simple look he gave you and when you looked back you saw question in his eyes..."are you ok?" "do you need help?" "what can I do for you?" and he never even says a word. Its one of those feeling of your heart hitting the pit of your tummy and fluttering back up with the butterflys. It brings you to tears at the end of the day when you feel all alone and the room is full. I have so many thoughts going on in my mind. What will make me good enough and whats good enough? All I can do is be me and supportive and stand on my own and let the feelings go.
I need to feel wanted because I cant be lived without, he cant breath without knowing im a phone call away I dont want to be only needed for a hot dinner at night or clean laundry the next day its way more than that. Im a woman I need romance even if its a simple touch and kiss on the forehead or like mom says "if you kiss someone on the closed eye it means you care so much about them" After 3 kids you want a man to think your sexy in an old tshirt and pj pants and your hair pulled up and he wants you just as much then as he did when you were at your best. like the saying " If he cant accept me at my worst he doesnt deserve me at my best"
Everyone woman needs a man to love her and give her back the same. I always put in to much and get back nothing but complaint for another issue. I dont feel like nothing much more then a ol'momma and a molly maid. I need and want the heat of passion in my life. Nothings perfect I dont mind the sacrafice of going to hell and back with someone as long as we do it together and come out on top together. Things like that make relationships stronger. My case they make them weaker. I love going out on dates minus the kids. Theme parks and kissing on the sky lift. But when he doesnt like theme parks going on dates and hates sky lifts I can be only left with eating dinner at home with the kids watching tv about theme parks and kissing my children before they go to bed at night. Whatever happen to the ones who like long walks on the beach at night? Holding hands and making love? Doesnt happen yall! Another weakness im a hopeless romantic. I leave notes in unusual places and give cards for no reasons. Make favorite meals and its food I cant eat. Breakfast in bed cause hes to sore from the night befor....:) I want the good morning text in the morning befor I even have a chance to hit to snooze button...I want to be loved and thought about like I would do for him. The perfect guy doesnt exist. We have nothing in life but empty promises and no guarantees thats life. When will it be my turn to feel the love back? I was told maybe I am the "independant dont need a man type cause I can do it all on my own" should I take this as a compliment?
My weakness....I want things out of reach. Impossable. Im always last on somoenes list but they seem to be first on mine. I have a big heart and no one to share it with I try to hard when im not trying at all so I always end up hurt and scared longing for hope, faith, trust and most of all love.
I tend to see into things differently then normal. I see the good in people and normally I hope it out weights the bad. I keep finding myself lost... I give and give and all im given back is empty promises and sadness. I have been in a few realtionship that ended pretty ugly. I dont know why I didnt learn the first time. I keep getting stuck in those kind of webs. I see the good....I just have trouble find my way out after its "spun".
I dont want to go into detail about my past relationship or my current but I can say you might get the point.
Love. Whats love? I dont think I have known love as deep as I should, but I know what love isnt. I do know a mothers love. a childs love.A daughters love. A sisters love and a friends love.
I try doing right by the people. Whos going to do right by me? I do right by my friends. Im a good secret keeper. A good Friend, good listener and I give great advice that of which I do not use myself. Very common I sopose. Im me. I know Im a good mother. I do right by my children. Yes every now and then my fuse is short but I never do anything I would regret later. I feel like i help everyone in the simplest task so when someone is in need from needing an emergency babysitter standing in for a husband because hes deployed to be by his wife while shes in labor. jumping someones car cause the battery died or allowing somone to borrow a cup of milk. I get blasted by my other friends for giving into people. Im to nice. I ended up getting hurt. Sometimes I feel like people are who they are around me cause they need something yet I help them anyways knowing the truth.....weakness...
Falling .... Have you met someone who simply amazes you. They sweep you off your feet and all it was is a simple look he gave you and when you looked back you saw question in his eyes..."are you ok?" "do you need help?" "what can I do for you?" and he never even says a word. Its one of those feeling of your heart hitting the pit of your tummy and fluttering back up with the butterflys. It brings you to tears at the end of the day when you feel all alone and the room is full. I have so many thoughts going on in my mind. What will make me good enough and whats good enough? All I can do is be me and supportive and stand on my own and let the feelings go.
I need to feel wanted because I cant be lived without, he cant breath without knowing im a phone call away I dont want to be only needed for a hot dinner at night or clean laundry the next day its way more than that. Im a woman I need romance even if its a simple touch and kiss on the forehead or like mom says "if you kiss someone on the closed eye it means you care so much about them" After 3 kids you want a man to think your sexy in an old tshirt and pj pants and your hair pulled up and he wants you just as much then as he did when you were at your best. like the saying " If he cant accept me at my worst he doesnt deserve me at my best"
Everyone woman needs a man to love her and give her back the same. I always put in to much and get back nothing but complaint for another issue. I dont feel like nothing much more then a ol'momma and a molly maid. I need and want the heat of passion in my life. Nothings perfect I dont mind the sacrafice of going to hell and back with someone as long as we do it together and come out on top together. Things like that make relationships stronger. My case they make them weaker. I love going out on dates minus the kids. Theme parks and kissing on the sky lift. But when he doesnt like theme parks going on dates and hates sky lifts I can be only left with eating dinner at home with the kids watching tv about theme parks and kissing my children before they go to bed at night. Whatever happen to the ones who like long walks on the beach at night? Holding hands and making love? Doesnt happen yall! Another weakness im a hopeless romantic. I leave notes in unusual places and give cards for no reasons. Make favorite meals and its food I cant eat. Breakfast in bed cause hes to sore from the night befor....:) I want the good morning text in the morning befor I even have a chance to hit to snooze button...I want to be loved and thought about like I would do for him. The perfect guy doesnt exist. We have nothing in life but empty promises and no guarantees thats life. When will it be my turn to feel the love back? I was told maybe I am the "independant dont need a man type cause I can do it all on my own" should I take this as a compliment?
My weakness....I want things out of reach. Impossable. Im always last on somoenes list but they seem to be first on mine. I have a big heart and no one to share it with I try to hard when im not trying at all so I always end up hurt and scared longing for hope, faith, trust and most of all love.
Being a Mom
Being a mom....
At the end of the day watching them sleep I think to myself its worth it.
Im a mom of 3. Brianna is 8. Ashlynne is 5 and Ian is 1. I have always loved kids and being a mom makes it all feel right....I remember discovering I was expecting each one differently...wow 1....then 3 years later my 2nd....then 4 years later 1 more.
Brianna is my creative one. She can write amazing stories and draw so good. Shes so super smart. She comes to me not getting something or having a clear understanding and after being shown a few times shes got it. Shes such a great big sister. Gets annoyed easy I admit she gets it honest. Shes got strawberry blonde hair and the cutest freckles. Everyone says shes just like me and she use to blush but now its more like a (ugh..rolling her eyes type of thing.) and she says "everyone says that!" I guess its not a bad thing to be like me I just hope she doesnt make the mistakes I did in life and she can just learn from mine.
Ashlynne is full of Grace. She my bubbly, loving, clingy type of child. She is also very smart. I call her my little sponge. She says the funniest stuff and keeps me on my toes for sure. Shes going to be the child I have to watch out for. Shes got the Spit fire little personality and isnt shy by any means. She had blonde /light brown long cury hair and these big green eyes. She is deffently a doll. She loves making things for people and is very giving. She likes to compete with her sister and she does look up to Brianna granted Brianna doesnt like her too.
Ian mommies little baby boy. Born as a blessing. He had TOF. A congential heart defect "blue baby syndrome" born at 4 lbs 4oz and being in the hospital for only 11 days he finally came home only to spend 2 days a week between the peids doc and cardiology. At 6 lbs 5oz and only 5 months old Ian went into congested heart failure and had open heart surgery. They fixed the 6 holes in the top 2 chambers and put in a gortex patch to be used as the septum in the bottom 2 chambers. After he was released from surgery we spent alot of time hoping he would grow strong. With the help of therapist and high caliorie formula at 15 months old he started walking and now is 21 lbs. Hes a mess. He loves unfolding mommies folded laundry...stealing his sisters stuff and climbing! Hes got the biggest cheesiest smile and melts your heart.
Im lucky to be a stay at home mom. I send the girls off to school every morning and sit home and operate a small daycare out of my home. Ian has friends to play with and is very social. I love being able to watch my kids grow and not have the extra worry of them getting sick being in a daycare. At the end of the very long endless days of cooking. cleaning. dirty diapers endless piles of laundry.......forgetting to eat lunch is very easy. My girls come home i read all the notes from the teachers. Check the school folders and help with homework. Dinner is cooked. The house is clean and all my daycare kids are gone the day surely isnt over... Its bath time. getting stuff ready for the next day. Getting everyone settled down for the night and then im back to cleaning the mess from dinner and bath time....Putting the kdis to bed...relaxing and watching a show according to the night I do have one every night to watch. I get excited about soaking in the tub at 2am my only quiet time. or the show coming on at 9 reguardless of it being a rerun. everynight as Im about to fall asleep Ian wakes up. He just knowes apparently. He still wakes up 2 to 3 times a night for a bottle. I cant deny him it being that hes small and needs those calories very desperatly. My days are endless. Before I know it time flew by getting in about 4-5 hours of sleep and It starts over. I love my life yes its busy and I forget about me alot but its what you do as a mother you make sure your kids are being taken care of and have everything they need and neglecting yourself. All in all at the end of the days, weeks, months and years......I love being a mom and at the end of the day when they are all clean, asleep in their beds I think to myself.....Do I want just 1 more? ......I am happy with 3 but 4 is perfect! One day maybe just one day even if i have to adopt...I love kids, being a mommy and knowing they will have a mom they can come to at the end of the day no matter how scared they are to tell me they will know its the right thing to do. My mom and I are the same way. I want the same for my kids...
At the end of the day watching them sleep I think to myself its worth it.
Im a mom of 3. Brianna is 8. Ashlynne is 5 and Ian is 1. I have always loved kids and being a mom makes it all feel right....I remember discovering I was expecting each one differently...wow 1....then 3 years later my 2nd....then 4 years later 1 more.
Brianna is my creative one. She can write amazing stories and draw so good. Shes so super smart. She comes to me not getting something or having a clear understanding and after being shown a few times shes got it. Shes such a great big sister. Gets annoyed easy I admit she gets it honest. Shes got strawberry blonde hair and the cutest freckles. Everyone says shes just like me and she use to blush but now its more like a (ugh..rolling her eyes type of thing.) and she says "everyone says that!" I guess its not a bad thing to be like me I just hope she doesnt make the mistakes I did in life and she can just learn from mine.
Ashlynne is full of Grace. She my bubbly, loving, clingy type of child. She is also very smart. I call her my little sponge. She says the funniest stuff and keeps me on my toes for sure. Shes going to be the child I have to watch out for. Shes got the Spit fire little personality and isnt shy by any means. She had blonde /light brown long cury hair and these big green eyes. She is deffently a doll. She loves making things for people and is very giving. She likes to compete with her sister and she does look up to Brianna granted Brianna doesnt like her too.
Ian mommies little baby boy. Born as a blessing. He had TOF. A congential heart defect "blue baby syndrome" born at 4 lbs 4oz and being in the hospital for only 11 days he finally came home only to spend 2 days a week between the peids doc and cardiology. At 6 lbs 5oz and only 5 months old Ian went into congested heart failure and had open heart surgery. They fixed the 6 holes in the top 2 chambers and put in a gortex patch to be used as the septum in the bottom 2 chambers. After he was released from surgery we spent alot of time hoping he would grow strong. With the help of therapist and high caliorie formula at 15 months old he started walking and now is 21 lbs. Hes a mess. He loves unfolding mommies folded laundry...stealing his sisters stuff and climbing! Hes got the biggest cheesiest smile and melts your heart.
Im lucky to be a stay at home mom. I send the girls off to school every morning and sit home and operate a small daycare out of my home. Ian has friends to play with and is very social. I love being able to watch my kids grow and not have the extra worry of them getting sick being in a daycare. At the end of the very long endless days of cooking. cleaning. dirty diapers endless piles of laundry.......forgetting to eat lunch is very easy. My girls come home i read all the notes from the teachers. Check the school folders and help with homework. Dinner is cooked. The house is clean and all my daycare kids are gone the day surely isnt over... Its bath time. getting stuff ready for the next day. Getting everyone settled down for the night and then im back to cleaning the mess from dinner and bath time....Putting the kdis to bed...relaxing and watching a show according to the night I do have one every night to watch. I get excited about soaking in the tub at 2am my only quiet time. or the show coming on at 9 reguardless of it being a rerun. everynight as Im about to fall asleep Ian wakes up. He just knowes apparently. He still wakes up 2 to 3 times a night for a bottle. I cant deny him it being that hes small and needs those calories very desperatly. My days are endless. Before I know it time flew by getting in about 4-5 hours of sleep and It starts over. I love my life yes its busy and I forget about me alot but its what you do as a mother you make sure your kids are being taken care of and have everything they need and neglecting yourself. All in all at the end of the days, weeks, months and years......I love being a mom and at the end of the day when they are all clean, asleep in their beds I think to myself.....Do I want just 1 more? ......I am happy with 3 but 4 is perfect! One day maybe just one day even if i have to adopt...I love kids, being a mommy and knowing they will have a mom they can come to at the end of the day no matter how scared they are to tell me they will know its the right thing to do. My mom and I are the same way. I want the same for my kids...
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